the stink

bawal mg-adik. this has been the principle i was trying to hammer my brains with in the past few days. but as always, i could never cling on to my own words. it's about 1am and you're probabaly wondering what the hell am i doing here. beats the hell on me too.

right when i woke up around 7pm, going to work is the last thing on my mind. yeah, this isn't the first time. it happens almost each time. it's like a sick cycle carousel's manic partition that divides my senses between sanity and deadening lethargy.

i am planning to get out of that hell for maybe a week now. no, actually, it was never planned. it just hit me. i have to get out.the thought has been carving few morsels of hope in my mind severla montyhs ago. it finally took shape -it got real, maddeningly possible when a major cardiomyopatheticshit got me. not that the deasease was the major reason. i always had the nagging feeling that i'd grow like a stainless sanitized mold here right from the start.sometimes you've got to listen to your instincts. another 15 months dwindled away without me getting into anything.

apples abherrin sidwhanni was right. stop with the alibis. i always blames parts of me, but not the entire me for not finishing this, for not meeting that, or for getting there late or from coming here drunk. truth is i am a very selfish person.

right. it's the kind of thing that nobody would ever admit. a daughter would never admit that one of the reasons why she helps out the family is because she woudn't want other people to think that she is an ungrateful bitch who forgot about everything her father did just so she cud finish college.

a guy may send his girl flowers not because he intends to brighten up her shitty day but because he wanted the girl to think he was damn sweet and caring and what shallow ego he has.

a father may talk about politics with his son not because he wants to share what he cares about the world but because he wants the sin to think how great he cud be someday because of the kind of father he has.

your professor may give you extension for a report not because he knows you are flunking his class because but because back in his mind and deep down his shitty ego, he was thinking how considerate he cud be with poor poor students struggling to meet his 'standards'.

every one of us, wether we care to admit it or not, we're all bastardly selfish. we may think that we are doing it for others but it always boils down to our selfish selves. i am writing this blog now not because i want somebody to realize the trash everybody fails to realize. i woudn't give a damn anyway. this is about me being selfish.it's the selfish self i see in others. its the stinky selfishy-ness everywhwre.

i remeber a freud concept back in college which says something about the human being instinctively selfish during infancy. maybe we never did outgrow this instinct. you may think that you are doing this for others, but the world always revolve around you. at the end of the day, it's just you and your shitty you.

i am noy blaming my job. i am not blaming my college degree. i am not blaming my view of things, my concept of fun, or my discretion betwen evil and good.i am not blaming anybody.

i not putting the blame to anything this time. it's this shitty me. the alibi does not suffice the reason. it is not, and will never be, justifiable. it's gonna start with me.

i'm taking out the fish off the frying pan.i'm gonna start SEL-ling baby. i guess i don't know where to start., but this time, it's on me. saken n to tsong!