ULULAN KA

still and cold.
sick.
frustrated
tired.
key words-
just can't take it
another shot
still not there.
not getting any
can't sleep
on a rut
dumped
just wanna be stoned
you happy now?
you could go on and continue doing it
we won't get any
would never get there
hate you

LATA

lata
lata ng sardinas
lata ng gatas
lata preserved na patatas

lata
lata ng sup
lata ng kape(pg sosyal)
lata ng coke
lata ng san mig

lata
lat ng pwedeng mung isipin
puewedeng ilatalat pwede mung ilata
ndi pwedeng wlang laman ang lata
lata

latang lata n k
tama ng pag-iisip
wala naman akong laman
kakalog-kalog lng
gusto kong mayupi na lang
itapon
baka sakaling
pwede pa kong pakinabangan

and they sang my %$#@../?? life

july 26. it was 2pm and my temples we're throbbing and my body feels like a whole truckload of rubble has been dumped into it.early outs are always a shit. you go home and sleep. or it is how it is supposed to be. but alcohol always gets in your way. talk about clean living.

getting out of bed is the last thing i would have done right that minute. then it hit me. tonight is the night. and they are coming to araneta.tangnangmadapakenshet. la pa kong tiket. pu___ tlga

with all the scraps of will i could gather, i forced my self to stand up and collect my sanity. i have to get hold of one of those tickets. or i'll be damned.

i had to call ticketnet because i'm not sure if tickets are still available. panic is starting to creep in to my system. i remember march of this year when incubus came to manila. it was a week away from the event but ticketnet had ran out of reservations. suddenly, old fears are coming back. my fingers are still trembling when i dialled ticketnet's number. my temples we're already too noisy they were drumming at my eardrums while i listen to the automated voice saying something about gateway's coming events. man. just give me a live rep, wil ya

then i suddenly remember i don't know where the hell in sm ticketnet is. i had to call jel. luckily, the jerk showed up with a couple of friends on a car stolen from his mother's garage.suddenly, getting that ticket seemed too easy.but there's another problem.kat can't go because it's not her off. jel desperately wanted to go but he's broke. my credit card's remaining balance is a wopping 500 and some change. i figured i wud stil have like 500 left on my atm after paying for the ticket(upper box, first come, fist served 995php tngna), but won't feed me for a week. it's seven days before payday. i can't even care if i starve.

we went back to jel's apartment after too much bickering.i insisted that he drive me to araneta because i have no one to watch the concert with. the jerk snapped back, going on the drama of me forgetting his birthday and me refusing to pay for his ticket and all that crap. i desperately wanted to break a monkey's neck that day. we agreed that he drive me to araneta on the deal that i take care of the empi next time.that took care of it

i went back home, watch tv for about half an hour and contemplated about getting a bath. it was 4.30 pm. it's 3 and a half hours away from the event, but my nerves are eating me. i took a bath.went down at around 5 and called jel. i can tell an inuman asession is going on but he agreed to pick me up right away.he had to drive me to araneta before he gets his ass drunk bigtime.

we arrive at the venue at around. the dome would not let anyone thru until 6 but had started admitting people upstairs(poor upper box fans that is). i had to enter the yellow gate and fall in queue. a handful of people are already waiting to be admitted.it suddenly dawned to me that everybody else has someone to talk and i'm the only one pretending to be busy with a copy of lord of the flies.(i had to bring the golding book. it's where i had kept the ticket because i'm too worried it would get crumpled on my purse. i also had to peel my eyes off from the cd they were selling on the entrance. double tray cd with 20 tacks on it, killer cuts form previous albums like 'come back down' and 'you and me' extended wedding version included. man, starving yourself is one thing. not having even a cent for stick of yo is another.

we were finally admitted at around 6pm. we scrambled thru the stairs for the upper box section. i found a spot not exactly direct from the stage but where i could still get a good glimpse at them by peering thru the huge tv(or whatever you call it) located on the right side of the section from where i'm at. i had to endure a couple of hours wait but i was enjoying my solitude anyway. not until this nyotic colegiala and her lousy boyfriend sat by my left. the duh-y couple on my right side is not bothering me anyway. i figured i could behave myself for another hour.

i was listening to incubus' 'earth to bela' for like the nth time. it's almost seven. but there were only about ten people on the vip section. the lower box were barely even filled and the concert ushers were acting like they just don't know what to do with themselves. i was starting to get fears of fans being sent home because they were calling it off. i felt like trashing and heaving. well, maybe it's too early to have panic attacks. another hour of staring at my phone(i can't even tell anyone i'm in araneta. i forgot to load my phone. pathetic tlga) and playing endless crossfade and incubus tracks. you can't even light a smoke or you're kicked out. ageh

and then came kat alano and margaret wilson and some dj from max fm. i can't even remember the guy's name. but people got started getting agitated anyway. some sponsor's promo. some giveaways.i can't even care less. my ass is starting to get numbed form sitting for a couple of hours. and the worst part is i kept on hearing the lousy guy's pathetic hyena laugh's over the nyotic kolehiya' even lousier jokes. no shit is holier than this

until finally, they had to give the floor the house. here comes the band. god. finally..

but we had to wait for another 20 minutes.

and then the lights went out. blinding lights located at the back of where the drumset was sitting suddenly came on.it went off and an even leducrous spell of brown gray light came off the stage.then suddenly, jason wade was on the mike. i had to steel myself form screaming. i don't have to anyway. my heart leapt. and it got lodged on my throat. OH MY F_KN STONED GOD.
he was introducing a song they were about sing form their 'no name face album'. i am not hearing it. i had to detach myself form where i am presently in order to convince myself that this is really happening.well, i'm not familiar with the song so i just had to immerse my self to it. then i realize that they were actually doing an intro of the song 'spin'. we just went wild. the list inludes songs form 'no name face', 'stanley climbfall' 'who we are' and another album i can't name. i had to fix myself form being on trance when jason was bellowing lines form 'better next time'. i had to stop myself from crying when he spills out lines form 'blind'. had to steer myself from screaming while he does a chilling rendition of 'form where you are'. i almost shouted "that's my f_kn anthem' when he ceremoniously started lines form 'somebody else's song'.
i just didn't expect they would still do 'hanging by a moment'. i was thinking i would lose them my respect if they do that track. but we still went wild. we were spinning. we were out of control.
i can't tell you.
then there came their 'you and me' mais-to-the highest level cut. they had turned off the lights in the hopes of setting up the mood for the all too cheesy song lines. what the hell. i fell inlove anyway. my nerves were all on a traffick. they were all tangled and messed-up like you could never imagine. whenever people goes to our direction, we just erupt. i totally forgot i had no one with me.my lungs went out form screaming too much. it was now okey even if everybody was taking pictures and videos of them and my phone's camera is just vga so the poor thing wouldn't work at the dome's low lights.

a couple of songs more and they had to go. jason's voice was starting to squeack. nobody cared to notice. they had to do a couple of songs more, said goodbye and left. nobody reacted. then somebody started clapping and shouted-"more! more!" it started low. then it became a rumble. then it was all one clapping and one voice"we want more!" we want more!"cum on. it's like a horny crowd of college kids guffawing over a dean's promise of an easy finals. but what the hell with a capital H. we want them back!

so there. they went back. sang for the last time. said goodbye. we had to go. nobody was moving. they had to turn off the lights at the stage and turn all the lights at the dome to send the message that it was all over.

my knees were still trembling. i had to smoke my way to mc donalds.

of glassy eyed spies and stoned gods

i was sitting alone smoking in our condo's fire exit, watching flies hover my legs. there were a couple of them, feasting over a drop of a bottled energy drink i brought with me. they would nod over thier feast, pause for a while and would raise their heads into the heavens.were they looking at the sky too? imagine a handful of painted faced creatures who suddenly found their pot of manna. i felt like i was watching a ceremony. some kind of a devotion for some unknown force who has paved their way to this discovery. there was nothing but gray skies and unpromising buildings staring back at me whenever i stare at this window anyway. but somehow i always find myself being pulled by some force i never could name when i feel bored, depressed, or whatever feeling nags me at any moment.

there's always something about windows. it brings back childhood feelings of those rainy says when you had to sit beside the window and stare at raindrops falling on stones, and leaves and toys you may have left outside for rushing in the door in the vain atemps of not getting wet or your mom will kill you.

those high school days of desperately wanting to escape the four walls of the classroom when you had to sit and endure the torturing lectures in social science and physics.

or windows on emergency rooms when we wait for doctors to come out and proudly announce that mom's got a baby girl so we have to start thinking of names. bertha maybe.or angela. frida perhaps.or what the heck. she is liable to become a bisex in the future anyway.

windows in waiting outside offices whenever you wait for your name to be called when applying for a job.

windows in ticket booths and pawnshops.

windows in buses on the way home.

the window in our bedroom.

from a window,we wait. and watch what happens next. it's like a movie playing on its own pace. sometimes you are part of the scene. sometimes you just watch from a distance.but nobody could really ever tell what happens next.

but from our window, we stay detached. we watch them from a window. i take them from my window. maybe i really just wanna stay on my window.

spell einstein

Main Entry: rel·a·tiv·i·ty Pronunciation: \ˌre-lə-ˈti-və-tē\ Function: noun Inflected Form(s): plural rel·a·tiv·i·ties Date: circa 1834 1 a: the quality or state of being relative b: something that is relative2: the state of being dependent for existence on or determined in nature, value, or quality by relation to something else3 a: a theory which is based on the two postulates (1) that the speed of light in a vacuum is constant and independent of the source or observer and (2) that the mathematical forms of the laws of physics are invariant in all inertial systems and which leads to the assertion of the equivalence of mass and energy and of change in mass, dimension, and time with increased velocity —called also special relativity, special theory of relativity b: an extension of the theory to include gravitation and related acceleration phenomena —called also general relativity, general theory of relativity4: relativism 1b

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this is over my head
but underneath my feet
cause by tomorrow morning
I'll have this thing beat
and everything will be back
to the way that it was
I wish that it was just that easy
-lyrics from the lifehouse' song 'somewhere in between'


you never can run away from the nagging feeling that things will never be the way were, if you had done something to change it. sure, you'll never know what happens next unless you make a move.until you realize that some moves may not have been the best moves at all, and that some things are better left the way they were...

last page

whenever i wake up on evenings, coffee never seemed too bitter than it ever was. i used to look at you from afar.you were always too distant. i know i could always bump into you somehow. wether at the elevator, on yosi places, or wherever fate may have allowed to give me the opportunity to chance upon you. i used to tell myself i hate you too much that's why you keep on running on my mind, in the back of my fears, in the deepnes of unwavering confusions, and in the cussions of my unconfirmed denials.

maybe some quack was correct in saying that hate will never be generated if there was not a strong feeling for someone. i used to deny the presence of this feeling. i never wanted this feeling to be there. never would i have wished it to happen in the first place.nobody wants to be tormented by the realization that you coud never have the person you really wanted because it is wrong, and never , ever will it be accepted.

i don't want to convince myself w/ the fairy tales already stained by convention. or rules consumated by the ideals of morals. already, i am eaten by the reality that love cannot validate the wrongness of my position.you are what you are and i am what i am.

i know am shit scared at this point. i admit. it is this part that i am saved by the craps of convention since my gender permits me to be so.but it is this very same thing that prevents me from moving an inch closer to you. i am not trying to sell you this crap. i am not expecting you to buy it anyway. you have denied me the first time. and that has hurt the most.it took me too long to spill it to you because i am fuck scared of everyhting. and you can't blame me. you're probably puking your guts out the first time i told you about it. and here i am incenerating my lungs w/ nicotine and 80% proof juices that tastes like a funeral's in-house latte.
i'm sorry. it was never you fault.
i never had wanted to put you in this, but i never wanted to be here too.

so long old friend.

thanks.

pms

some places
some spaces
some era in time you have collected
some things you have not considred
something to laugh abt
somethig to write abt
some wash down in length
others in gray colors of paint
some left neglected
at distress, some changes unknown
chipped in the memories of universal hallucinations
or in some hallways of spinning realizations
blurry visions-flooding tears of
accusations
dropped down adversaries;
inhibitions
you have nothing to lose
and everything to look forward to
and they all come crashing down
in a dash of impulse
pure, but never were you innocent
at breath's length
there will be nothing and something, anything, left to have been done
to change what was there
there never was any
a moment's decision (if ever there was anything to have decided on)
a few remnants of coincidental paradise
and some mornings of dripping malice
and jaded misdemeanors
minor accomplices and all too aggravated syloligies
miracles of assumption-hyprocite melancholies
for some age old dilemma of archtypes and debates
a tabloid's cheap break
an old wife's tale
melodies and dramas of confirmation
fairy tales of resurrection
sunken treasures of redemption
last days of repentance-
suicidal notes
write this down.