It is one of those uneventful days when you get home from work. Lakad. Wentuhan. La lng. Then you’re all by yourself on the jeepney, minding your self. Trying not to nudge the kid beside you. Ignoring the stare from the old hag infront of you. All the while unearthing the wonder that is the jungle of your bag looking for that bentsingko, because for some reasons, the driver always comes up with alibis not to give you back your change. Sometimes, you ccould even have a fleeting career of being a konduktor for about 5minutes. What a life.
It may have been an instinct so cunning among Filipinos during a ride to pass around fares in case the passenger is seated too far from the driver. It is an unspoken rule. A practice unpracticed. A chore so spontaneous you’re not even aware you’re on it. But good manners doesn’t probably pay you back enough sometimes.
when this girl beside me tried giving back the change manong driver gave her because it was more than what it should be, the driver in a smirk so loud you coud hear it from the next block retorted-“ano? Putang-ina naman andami nyo kasi eh…”…” somebody from the bench across mumbled, “sobrah n nga binalik p. And everybody was gawking at the girl like she had done something so stupid. Somehow, there’s something too wrong about a simple carrying of good manners.
Maybe it did violated the rule of practicality set by the ailing times. Maybe it was the case of self obsession confined in the social rope of individuals who share nothing but a ride to a jeepney. Maybe it’s not always about doing the right thing. Maybe the world is just too cruel you don’t always get back what you give.
It may not always be fair, but you don’t get to ride the same jeepney anyway.
Sunday, December 21, 2008
Monday, December 8, 2008
decay
you're stuck in your place. you refuse to budge. you like your disintegration. why can't you grow up like everyone else? because you don't want it. you love the sympathy. the hate. the renunciation. the spite. you have always loved the fame didn't you?
you hated yourself in the first place. i have always knew that. i was loathing myself too. you could never deny it to me.
we we're always looking for alibis. you blame your sorry lovelife. i put the blame on my pathetic decisions. truth is, we are both needy and self centered. and we could never admit it. what a shame.
you tell me you we're shedding off all of your disillusions and fantasies. that is a big fucking lie. you're still stuck in your sorry little concepts of happy endings and dungeons turning into castles. mybe i suddenly lost grip of what is really happening. but i could always trace back to where i we both had started. don't you ever claim i don't know what is happening.
i have seen it when you are not listening. i have hated your stubborness. but it is the same reason i got stuck with you. now i am watching how we were fading away form each other.it's all contemporary. how we suddenly grow old and wary of the world, the present and the here. or maybe i was the only one who was feeling it. and you continue eating on the same bullshit.
go on. if it makes your day.
you hated yourself in the first place. i have always knew that. i was loathing myself too. you could never deny it to me.
we we're always looking for alibis. you blame your sorry lovelife. i put the blame on my pathetic decisions. truth is, we are both needy and self centered. and we could never admit it. what a shame.
you tell me you we're shedding off all of your disillusions and fantasies. that is a big fucking lie. you're still stuck in your sorry little concepts of happy endings and dungeons turning into castles. mybe i suddenly lost grip of what is really happening. but i could always trace back to where i we both had started. don't you ever claim i don't know what is happening.
i have seen it when you are not listening. i have hated your stubborness. but it is the same reason i got stuck with you. now i am watching how we were fading away form each other.it's all contemporary. how we suddenly grow old and wary of the world, the present and the here. or maybe i was the only one who was feeling it. and you continue eating on the same bullshit.
go on. if it makes your day.
Thursday, November 27, 2008
good riddance
Minus the insincere promises of clearing away from bad jokes, self loathing, and disrespect.
Minus the empty washings of disparity, unclear conscience, and vague resolves.
Goodbye old self.
Minus the insincere promises of clearing away from bad jokes, self loathing, and disrespect.
Minus the empty washings of disparity, unclear conscience, and vague resolves.
Goodbye old self.
Minus the insincere promises of clearing away from bad jokes, self loathing, and disrespect.
Minus the empty washings of disparity, unclear conscience, and vague resolves.
Goodbye old self.
Minus the insincere promises of clearing away from bad jokes, self loathing, and disrespect.
Minus the empty washings of disparity, unclear conscience, and vague resolves.
Goodbye old self.
Minus the insincere promises of clearing away from bad jokes, self loathing, and disrespect.
Minus the empty washings of disparity, unclear conscience, and vague resolves.
Goodbye old self.
Minus the insincere promises of clearing away from bad jokes, self loathing, and disrespect.
Minus the empty washings of disparity, unclear conscience, and vague resolves.
Goodbye old self.
Minus the insincere promises of clearing away from bad jokes, self loathing, and disrespect.
Minus the empty washings of disparity, unclear conscience, and vague resolves.
Goodbye old self.
Minus the insincere promises of clearing away from bad jokes, self loathing, and disrespect.
Minus the empty washings of disparity, unclear conscience, and vague resolves.
Goodbye old self.
Minus the insincere promises of clearing away from bad jokes, self loathing, and disrespect.
Minus the empty washings of disparity, unclear conscience, and vague resolves.
Goodbye old self.
Minus the insincere promises of clearing away from bad jokes, self loathing, and disrespect.
Minus the empty washings of disparity, unclear conscience, and vague resolves.
Goodbye old self.
Minus the insincere promises of clearing away from bad jokes, self loathing, and disrespect.
Minus the empty washings of disparity, unclear conscience, and vague resolves.
Goodbye old self.
HAPPY LABOR DAY
Minus the empty washings of disparity, unclear conscience, and vague resolves.
Goodbye old self.
Minus the insincere promises of clearing away from bad jokes, self loathing, and disrespect.
Minus the empty washings of disparity, unclear conscience, and vague resolves.
Goodbye old self.
Minus the insincere promises of clearing away from bad jokes, self loathing, and disrespect.
Minus the empty washings of disparity, unclear conscience, and vague resolves.
Goodbye old self.
Minus the insincere promises of clearing away from bad jokes, self loathing, and disrespect.
Minus the empty washings of disparity, unclear conscience, and vague resolves.
Goodbye old self.
Minus the insincere promises of clearing away from bad jokes, self loathing, and disrespect.
Minus the empty washings of disparity, unclear conscience, and vague resolves.
Goodbye old self.
Minus the insincere promises of clearing away from bad jokes, self loathing, and disrespect.
Minus the empty washings of disparity, unclear conscience, and vague resolves.
Goodbye old self.
Minus the insincere promises of clearing away from bad jokes, self loathing, and disrespect.
Minus the empty washings of disparity, unclear conscience, and vague resolves.
Goodbye old self.
Minus the insincere promises of clearing away from bad jokes, self loathing, and disrespect.
Minus the empty washings of disparity, unclear conscience, and vague resolves.
Goodbye old self.
Minus the insincere promises of clearing away from bad jokes, self loathing, and disrespect.
Minus the empty washings of disparity, unclear conscience, and vague resolves.
Goodbye old self.
Minus the insincere promises of clearing away from bad jokes, self loathing, and disrespect.
Minus the empty washings of disparity, unclear conscience, and vague resolves.
Goodbye old self.
Minus the insincere promises of clearing away from bad jokes, self loathing, and disrespect.
Minus the empty washings of disparity, unclear conscience, and vague resolves.
Goodbye old self.
HAPPY LABOR DAY
Saturday, November 22, 2008
the clearness of disparity
I’m coming around. Drugged of all the prescriptive nuances of asking for forgiveness from my self, I finally got tired of altruistic notions about reality and could-have-beens. It’s been a while since I’ve wasted precious scraps of sanity with fiendish bottles, which would have been a good joke on sober moments. I’m still not running out of fickle reasons to defend my procrastination, but I think I’m doing fine
Still rallying for difference. But I know it would be coming around soon. As for loathing myself for not trying too hard to break away from the mercy of nicotine, I would find means.
So help me god.
:D
Still rallying for difference. But I know it would be coming around soon. As for loathing myself for not trying too hard to break away from the mercy of nicotine, I would find means.
So help me god.
:D
Sunday, November 9, 2008
un un
ewan k kung muta nga lng kya nalabuan ako o sadyang malabo n lng tlga tong nabubulok kong mga mata, o tlgang tuluyan ng nilason ng antok ang katinuan k. pero nangyare n nga ang nagyare. ndi nga ako nkapasok ngaung gabe.
lumagpas ang sinasakyan kong jhip. aun. ndi ako nakababa ng mrt. kelangan png madurog ang dapa ko ng ilong ng siko ng katabi k para lng magising ako sa katotohanang nsa paco n pla ako. at ang masaket p neto, siempre ndi k n ulet alam ang daan pauwe. nkauwi naman ako s bhay ng maus. kaso antok n antok n k ngaun kya puro wla n kwenta cnsasabi ko. kaso gus2 k lng tlga mgblog. and moral lesson lng nun, wg ka n matutulog s jip. s bhay ka matulog.
lumagpas ang sinasakyan kong jhip. aun. ndi ako nakababa ng mrt. kelangan png madurog ang dapa ko ng ilong ng siko ng katabi k para lng magising ako sa katotohanang nsa paco n pla ako. at ang masaket p neto, siempre ndi k n ulet alam ang daan pauwe. nkauwi naman ako s bhay ng maus. kaso antok n antok n k ngaun kya puro wla n kwenta cnsasabi ko. kaso gus2 k lng tlga mgblog. and moral lesson lng nun, wg ka n matutulog s jip. s bhay ka matulog.
Friday, October 17, 2008
ewan k kasi
if one types the word sappho in ggogle's search engine, one of the milion hits it will turn out is wikepedias description of a female ancient greek poet.very little wasa known of this poet except that she was born on the city of mytiline in the great ancient world. interestingly, the city is on the island of lesbos.
ewan
ewan
Thursday, October 16, 2008
Edwardhood and the Iron Maiden
Lying awake and crawling in space
I cud come around
I could get some bath
Get me some prayer
A roomful of thoughts
And a nice space for my dreams
If something is wrong
then maybe I’m not feeling it
this side of heaven
is empty right now
memories caving in,
it was more than my conscience could take
I tried to say it was right
Waging wars in my chest
My side of the well is not where I stand
Spare me some coin
And maybe I could throw in some prayer
Took it all
Reigned my senses, tied my soul
Pegged my sorrows
Armed my sores
Hammered my delusions
Scraped my hopes
We’ve lost the battle
But that’s not all
Slightly cynical
It’s the story’s moral
Scathing reasons
Unholy vibrations-
Lay down your cads
The gods, they’re listening
In my dreams they’re
not asleep
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
the hole
Not the hole that you’re thinking of you b_ch. x_x
This particular hole caught my eye while smoking alone at the lower ground parking area of the building where I was working.
It was underneath a series of cobweb-like cracks on the white washed wall of the shopping center beside ours.
It got me to thinking-this one needs to be filled-up.
It’s not pretty in an artsy kind of way.
Not that it would strike an immediate course of silent reflection in the realms of self destruct.
Not that it would entice serious reflections of your motives in one’s lesser evils of diminutive compulsiveness,
It’s just a hole.
But it had awakened a crazy obsession in me that it needs to be plastered. This hole has to disappear.
Maybe we’re spending much of our lives filling up a hole on our walls of evasive self-contempt.
Sometimes it’s really not there.
Not in the artsy kind of way we like it.
Believe it or not, it’s not there.
Fill it up.
We don’t need a hole on order to feel devoid.
But when emptiness suddenly eats you up, you suddenly awaken to the realization that sometimes you’ve got to empty yourself first,
In order to be whole.
Again.
This particular hole caught my eye while smoking alone at the lower ground parking area of the building where I was working.
It was underneath a series of cobweb-like cracks on the white washed wall of the shopping center beside ours.
It got me to thinking-this one needs to be filled-up.
It’s not pretty in an artsy kind of way.
Not that it would strike an immediate course of silent reflection in the realms of self destruct.
Not that it would entice serious reflections of your motives in one’s lesser evils of diminutive compulsiveness,
It’s just a hole.
But it had awakened a crazy obsession in me that it needs to be plastered. This hole has to disappear.
Maybe we’re spending much of our lives filling up a hole on our walls of evasive self-contempt.
Sometimes it’s really not there.
Not in the artsy kind of way we like it.
Believe it or not, it’s not there.
Fill it up.
We don’t need a hole on order to feel devoid.
But when emptiness suddenly eats you up, you suddenly awaken to the realization that sometimes you’ve got to empty yourself first,
In order to be whole.
Again.
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
post mortem
I figured this had to be the chance to get out of the rut I got my self into. I’ve been working in a call center from across the street where I live and I’m not particularly enjoying the job. Do I see myself going in for another night’s shift? You have got to be kidding me.
Kat had been telling me about a company in Alabang where she is currently working at and had talked to me into trying it out with them. I was stupid enough to walk right into the other company where I was supposed to apply. I arrived at around 9 am, armed with a Number 1 Mongol pencil, a hastily made resume, and with all the guts I could muster. I practically know nothing about the mess I was walking into (again).
I was told to wait in the reception area where other applicants sat. The first few tests were a breeze. There was a speed typing exam combined with listening skills and all that crap. The works. There was vocabulary, math skills. Elementary. This should be easy.
Then came my first interview. This guy *Jayson was asking me if one of my major plans this year was to get married. Man, who are you kidding? I should probably get me a sane doctor first. He was asking if I were a Catholic. He is a Mormon. (Okay…) Probably the sanest part of the interview was when we found out that we both like Incubus. Well he said I was interesting. I instantly saw myself perched in a golden cage in some bald quack’s aviary. He was kinda cute anyway. One of those twenty three year old guys climbing early into the corporate ladder with some Jason Mraz crummy in their stomachs while having surfer’s illusions stuck on their heads. He said he was giving me a high score not because of pity. Because what? Because you found me interesting? (There goes the birdcage again…)
*Angel was the next contender, I mean, the next interviewer. She struck me as a severe, point-across Clarice Starling type who would shoot Evelda Drumgo from across the street given the opportunity, her guns sticking all over the place without a hint of smoke in them. I needed to be careful and watch myself. This woman could knock you down in instant, before the whistle blows. You would probably be dead before you know it. I was told to relate an incident where I had needed to use my convincing powers to get someone to change their opinion about a certain thing. For as long as I can remember, I have spent all my life trying to change other people’s opinion about me. I was always told that I came across as uncaring, alienated soul who couldn’t talk about anything except the last time a comet hit the earth that killed all the dinos walking on the planet and how they got served for dinner in the palaces of Olympus. So I had to tell her of the bathroom story. In that story, I have succeeded in convincing a couple of uncaring, thick skinned housemates to please, please clean the bathroom for once. Well I’m still working on it until now. That’s just one of those lies I told them. A couple of years ago, during a teaching stint at a Catholic school somewhere in Bulacan, I had to devise a plan to get a group of rowdy, perpetually yapping fourteen year olds to put up a Ramayana play in the hopes that they understand the concept of that fine piece of literature by acting it out. I told her the play was just great. But the fact is, I only had succeeded in making two gays in my class onto an asinine, largely tedious, almost completely absurd catfight because both wanted to play Raksha (that demon princess who was Ravana’s sister).At least that had added a little spice to the campus’ atmosphere of sulfuric holiness and weedy sanctity. And I’m not blaming the institution. It’s probably the same reason why Jesus never married in the first place.
I was interviewed last by *Mickey. She was a fair-skinned fragile looking thing who would offer you a cup of coffee if you walk right into her living room (or so I thought). She had to ask me the generic questions. Would I care for collections? Why do I prefer inbound Costumer service? Could I work for the back office? I said yes. Backed it up with lies. More lies. Lies. Lies. Lies. I couldn’t care less if my nose was ten feet long it could wipe out all of the baby powder she’s had since birth. I’m so good in this thing; I could offer you a crash course for 299php a night, 0% interest in twelve months, no finance charges and your first year’s annual membership fee for free. She told me to wait at the reception area.
Waiting in the reception area was like sitting in for your breast exam’s results. It could be good or it could be not so good, but you are well aware of the fact that the lumps are there. You are the doctor. You did your best. But there is got to be a post mortem. Tell me all about it. I wasted my waiting hours fidgeting over my phone which was dying by minute (I forgot to charge it) and flipping over a Thomas Harris book I brought with me. I had known this moment would come. I was trying to concentrate on the page where Starling was reading a letter sent to her by Lecter when I heard my name being called. My heart was beating wildly I felt like it was lodged in my throat. I managed to croak a feeble yes when I approached the lady who would read me the gods’ verdict.
I heard her say”…you had passed the exam.(fireworks erupted in my ears) but we don’t have a schedule for training until next year…(the fireworks died in an instant, replaced by a sudden thud of sickening feeling of collapsing any minute)my mind screamed-“you have got to be shitting me…!!!). I couldn’t exactly tell if I smiled back at her or if I was able to mumble a thank you before I went out but I vaguely remember fumbling for a pack of cigarettes in my handbag the moment the light of the day struck me in the face.
I found myself smoking alone outside the building. This isn’t exactly my turf so I it suddenly hit me that I have to text Kat and ask her how to find my way back home. The good news is, my phone just died on me. I guess the moral of the story is, don’t forget to bring a panda ball pen at least if you are going on an interview. And be honest. Be totally honest. Remember to leave a whole load of lies at home when going in for an interview just because you hate your current job. At least you’ll be bringing your sane self with you, anywhere. One will never know a crime has been a crime until it was too perfect. :D
Kat had been telling me about a company in Alabang where she is currently working at and had talked to me into trying it out with them. I was stupid enough to walk right into the other company where I was supposed to apply. I arrived at around 9 am, armed with a Number 1 Mongol pencil, a hastily made resume, and with all the guts I could muster. I practically know nothing about the mess I was walking into (again).
I was told to wait in the reception area where other applicants sat. The first few tests were a breeze. There was a speed typing exam combined with listening skills and all that crap. The works. There was vocabulary, math skills. Elementary. This should be easy.
Then came my first interview. This guy *Jayson was asking me if one of my major plans this year was to get married. Man, who are you kidding? I should probably get me a sane doctor first. He was asking if I were a Catholic. He is a Mormon. (Okay…) Probably the sanest part of the interview was when we found out that we both like Incubus. Well he said I was interesting. I instantly saw myself perched in a golden cage in some bald quack’s aviary. He was kinda cute anyway. One of those twenty three year old guys climbing early into the corporate ladder with some Jason Mraz crummy in their stomachs while having surfer’s illusions stuck on their heads. He said he was giving me a high score not because of pity. Because what? Because you found me interesting? (There goes the birdcage again…)
*Angel was the next contender, I mean, the next interviewer. She struck me as a severe, point-across Clarice Starling type who would shoot Evelda Drumgo from across the street given the opportunity, her guns sticking all over the place without a hint of smoke in them. I needed to be careful and watch myself. This woman could knock you down in instant, before the whistle blows. You would probably be dead before you know it. I was told to relate an incident where I had needed to use my convincing powers to get someone to change their opinion about a certain thing. For as long as I can remember, I have spent all my life trying to change other people’s opinion about me. I was always told that I came across as uncaring, alienated soul who couldn’t talk about anything except the last time a comet hit the earth that killed all the dinos walking on the planet and how they got served for dinner in the palaces of Olympus. So I had to tell her of the bathroom story. In that story, I have succeeded in convincing a couple of uncaring, thick skinned housemates to please, please clean the bathroom for once. Well I’m still working on it until now. That’s just one of those lies I told them. A couple of years ago, during a teaching stint at a Catholic school somewhere in Bulacan, I had to devise a plan to get a group of rowdy, perpetually yapping fourteen year olds to put up a Ramayana play in the hopes that they understand the concept of that fine piece of literature by acting it out. I told her the play was just great. But the fact is, I only had succeeded in making two gays in my class onto an asinine, largely tedious, almost completely absurd catfight because both wanted to play Raksha (that demon princess who was Ravana’s sister).At least that had added a little spice to the campus’ atmosphere of sulfuric holiness and weedy sanctity. And I’m not blaming the institution. It’s probably the same reason why Jesus never married in the first place.
I was interviewed last by *Mickey. She was a fair-skinned fragile looking thing who would offer you a cup of coffee if you walk right into her living room (or so I thought). She had to ask me the generic questions. Would I care for collections? Why do I prefer inbound Costumer service? Could I work for the back office? I said yes. Backed it up with lies. More lies. Lies. Lies. Lies. I couldn’t care less if my nose was ten feet long it could wipe out all of the baby powder she’s had since birth. I’m so good in this thing; I could offer you a crash course for 299php a night, 0% interest in twelve months, no finance charges and your first year’s annual membership fee for free. She told me to wait at the reception area.
Waiting in the reception area was like sitting in for your breast exam’s results. It could be good or it could be not so good, but you are well aware of the fact that the lumps are there. You are the doctor. You did your best. But there is got to be a post mortem. Tell me all about it. I wasted my waiting hours fidgeting over my phone which was dying by minute (I forgot to charge it) and flipping over a Thomas Harris book I brought with me. I had known this moment would come. I was trying to concentrate on the page where Starling was reading a letter sent to her by Lecter when I heard my name being called. My heart was beating wildly I felt like it was lodged in my throat. I managed to croak a feeble yes when I approached the lady who would read me the gods’ verdict.
I heard her say”…you had passed the exam.(fireworks erupted in my ears) but we don’t have a schedule for training until next year…(the fireworks died in an instant, replaced by a sudden thud of sickening feeling of collapsing any minute)my mind screamed-“you have got to be shitting me…!!!). I couldn’t exactly tell if I smiled back at her or if I was able to mumble a thank you before I went out but I vaguely remember fumbling for a pack of cigarettes in my handbag the moment the light of the day struck me in the face.
I found myself smoking alone outside the building. This isn’t exactly my turf so I it suddenly hit me that I have to text Kat and ask her how to find my way back home. The good news is, my phone just died on me. I guess the moral of the story is, don’t forget to bring a panda ball pen at least if you are going on an interview. And be honest. Be totally honest. Remember to leave a whole load of lies at home when going in for an interview just because you hate your current job. At least you’ll be bringing your sane self with you, anywhere. One will never know a crime has been a crime until it was too perfect. :D
Thursday, September 11, 2008
the stink
bawal mg-adik. this has been the principle i was trying to hammer my brains with in the past few days. but as always, i could never cling on to my own words. it's about 1am and you're probabaly wondering what the hell am i doing here. beats the hell on me too.
right when i woke up around 7pm, going to work is the last thing on my mind. yeah, this isn't the first time. it happens almost each time. it's like a sick cycle carousel's manic partition that divides my senses between sanity and deadening lethargy.
i am planning to get out of that hell for maybe a week now. no, actually, it was never planned. it just hit me. i have to get out.the thought has been carving few morsels of hope in my mind severla montyhs ago. it finally took shape -it got real, maddeningly possible when a major cardiomyopatheticshit got me. not that the deasease was the major reason. i always had the nagging feeling that i'd grow like a stainless sanitized mold here right from the start.sometimes you've got to listen to your instincts. another 15 months dwindled away without me getting into anything.
apples abherrin sidwhanni was right. stop with the alibis. i always blames parts of me, but not the entire me for not finishing this, for not meeting that, or for getting there late or from coming here drunk. truth is i am a very selfish person.
right. it's the kind of thing that nobody would ever admit. a daughter would never admit that one of the reasons why she helps out the family is because she woudn't want other people to think that she is an ungrateful bitch who forgot about everything her father did just so she cud finish college.
a guy may send his girl flowers not because he intends to brighten up her shitty day but because he wanted the girl to think he was damn sweet and caring and what shallow ego he has.
a father may talk about politics with his son not because he wants to share what he cares about the world but because he wants the sin to think how great he cud be someday because of the kind of father he has.
your professor may give you extension for a report not because he knows you are flunking his class because but because back in his mind and deep down his shitty ego, he was thinking how considerate he cud be with poor poor students struggling to meet his 'standards'.
every one of us, wether we care to admit it or not, we're all bastardly selfish. we may think that we are doing it for others but it always boils down to our selfish selves. i am writing this blog now not because i want somebody to realize the trash everybody fails to realize. i woudn't give a damn anyway. this is about me being selfish.it's the selfish self i see in others. its the stinky selfishy-ness everywhwre.
i remeber a freud concept back in college which says something about the human being instinctively selfish during infancy. maybe we never did outgrow this instinct. you may think that you are doing this for others, but the world always revolve around you. at the end of the day, it's just you and your shitty you.
i am noy blaming my job. i am not blaming my college degree. i am not blaming my view of things, my concept of fun, or my discretion betwen evil and good.i am not blaming anybody.
i not putting the blame to anything this time. it's this shitty me. the alibi does not suffice the reason. it is not, and will never be, justifiable. it's gonna start with me.
i'm taking out the fish off the frying pan.i'm gonna start SEL-ling baby. i guess i don't know where to start., but this time, it's on me. saken n to tsong!
right when i woke up around 7pm, going to work is the last thing on my mind. yeah, this isn't the first time. it happens almost each time. it's like a sick cycle carousel's manic partition that divides my senses between sanity and deadening lethargy.
i am planning to get out of that hell for maybe a week now. no, actually, it was never planned. it just hit me. i have to get out.the thought has been carving few morsels of hope in my mind severla montyhs ago. it finally took shape -it got real, maddeningly possible when a major cardiomyopatheticshit got me. not that the deasease was the major reason. i always had the nagging feeling that i'd grow like a stainless sanitized mold here right from the start.sometimes you've got to listen to your instincts. another 15 months dwindled away without me getting into anything.
apples abherrin sidwhanni was right. stop with the alibis. i always blames parts of me, but not the entire me for not finishing this, for not meeting that, or for getting there late or from coming here drunk. truth is i am a very selfish person.
right. it's the kind of thing that nobody would ever admit. a daughter would never admit that one of the reasons why she helps out the family is because she woudn't want other people to think that she is an ungrateful bitch who forgot about everything her father did just so she cud finish college.
a guy may send his girl flowers not because he intends to brighten up her shitty day but because he wanted the girl to think he was damn sweet and caring and what shallow ego he has.
a father may talk about politics with his son not because he wants to share what he cares about the world but because he wants the sin to think how great he cud be someday because of the kind of father he has.
your professor may give you extension for a report not because he knows you are flunking his class because but because back in his mind and deep down his shitty ego, he was thinking how considerate he cud be with poor poor students struggling to meet his 'standards'.
every one of us, wether we care to admit it or not, we're all bastardly selfish. we may think that we are doing it for others but it always boils down to our selfish selves. i am writing this blog now not because i want somebody to realize the trash everybody fails to realize. i woudn't give a damn anyway. this is about me being selfish.it's the selfish self i see in others. its the stinky selfishy-ness everywhwre.
i remeber a freud concept back in college which says something about the human being instinctively selfish during infancy. maybe we never did outgrow this instinct. you may think that you are doing this for others, but the world always revolve around you. at the end of the day, it's just you and your shitty you.
i am noy blaming my job. i am not blaming my college degree. i am not blaming my view of things, my concept of fun, or my discretion betwen evil and good.i am not blaming anybody.
i not putting the blame to anything this time. it's this shitty me. the alibi does not suffice the reason. it is not, and will never be, justifiable. it's gonna start with me.
i'm taking out the fish off the frying pan.i'm gonna start SEL-ling baby. i guess i don't know where to start., but this time, it's on me. saken n to tsong!
Sunday, September 7, 2008
yn kc...
i did promised a continuation of my previuos entry about the ehaed's disspaointing reunion concert. la tlga k sa hulog eh. right now, i am itching to post pictures of me and some high school batchmates little reunion last night sa moa but the computer at home quit working so right now, i am at a shabby little computer shop in the mercy of loud and pathetic online gamers who think they sound cool by shouting too many blasphemies while literaly shmocking themselves online. talk about male hormone getting unsightly by the minute. i guess nobody realizes how geek they are until somebody reminds them about it.
anyway, we did meet yesterday. me and some high school freinds at the sm mall of asia last night. amalia, who told me all about the little reunion, couldn't make it because of a covenant something they have going on at their church. i guess they have to herd a lot of goats who wanna make it to the elysian fields. i wouldn't even pass for a goat. i'm a dinosaur. god would definitely send me back not to tartarus, but to the denver era where our kind rule. if i were to choose, i'd rather be back in the roaring twenty's. deppression is going on and all, but people sure know how to have fun.
so there, there were eight of us who made it last night. joyce ferrer was there.so was rizalina urbano,jeffrey urbano and his gurl marife, theodore san diego , jeffrey bueno and felix lam. and hell, noboy failed to remind me how fat i was back in highschool. how geeky i looked with those pair of glasses i wore and how everybody thought how saintly i am. taena. matindi. i guess you know what the joke is. we had beer and all. wento wento . wentong lang wenta. at siempre, ngenge n naman akong umuwe.kakahya
it was fun i guess. pramis guys, d n ko uuweng basag sa susunod. bka kc isipin nyu, ginugulangan k kau sa taxi.wahehehe(paraparaan...)niweys, theodie, jeffrey, tenkyu ng madame mga parekoy!!!cnsya n
anyway, we did meet yesterday. me and some high school freinds at the sm mall of asia last night. amalia, who told me all about the little reunion, couldn't make it because of a covenant something they have going on at their church. i guess they have to herd a lot of goats who wanna make it to the elysian fields. i wouldn't even pass for a goat. i'm a dinosaur. god would definitely send me back not to tartarus, but to the denver era where our kind rule. if i were to choose, i'd rather be back in the roaring twenty's. deppression is going on and all, but people sure know how to have fun.
so there, there were eight of us who made it last night. joyce ferrer was there.so was rizalina urbano,jeffrey urbano and his gurl marife, theodore san diego , jeffrey bueno and felix lam. and hell, noboy failed to remind me how fat i was back in highschool. how geeky i looked with those pair of glasses i wore and how everybody thought how saintly i am. taena. matindi. i guess you know what the joke is. we had beer and all. wento wento . wentong lang wenta. at siempre, ngenge n naman akong umuwe.kakahya
it was fun i guess. pramis guys, d n ko uuweng basag sa susunod. bka kc isipin nyu, ginugulangan k kau sa taxi.wahehehe(paraparaan...)niweys, theodie, jeffrey, tenkyu ng madame mga parekoy!!!cnsya n
Thursday, September 4, 2008
c madam auring at ang e-heads
it may have been too late to add a blog entry about that sickening frustration we've had after what had happened during the ehaead's volatile and dangerously skeptical "reunion"concert . the hell. it may have been ages ago. but we're there would be another anyway, so i heard from hope(less)ful followers. (aus lng un kat.kasama k dun)so i decided it wont be any harm. nobody would want to waste time on my pathetic orny little blog entries anyway.(wushu)
i can't blame madam auring. it was never her fault. her marrying any loser forty years younger than her ass doesn't have anything to do with what has happened.problem is, whenever i anticipate something really big to me like this, i always dream it wouldn't come true.
when i was in the kindergarten, i dreamt i didn't make to our class christamas party because i forgot to wear knee socks and i had to go to school barefoot.
when i was in the first grade i dreamed i wasn't named the calss' first honor and my mother got so furios she spanked me so hard that i broke a spine so i didn't make it.
when i was about to graduate from my elementary class i dreamed i got beaten by some monster who chased me from a cousin's house down to our own house until i fled to our school building, and that i had arrived after the graduation ceremonies.(i did got sick with tigdas so i had to attend the gaduation with swollen cheeks, puffy red eyes and rash all over my skin. i looked so helish the district supervisor wouldn't come near me, even if i was the class valedictorian)
i dreamet i didn't make it to my first prom because the principal sudenly announced from a speaker on the schhol quadrangle that only skinny girls with dates are allowed to arrend the prom-forget about dating your fat cousin.
i dreamed about not being alowed to graduate in college because of pending libel suites and that my father was kicking me out of the house for not letting the dog in.(we almost did get sued with a libel case when i was working for the school paper, we just got lucky our professor was there to save our asses.the dog who was in my dreams was killed by my party uncles.pinulutan na)
i dreamed of flunking my first job interview.(there was no interview when i got my first job. they were desperate for a teacher.they had no choice)
i dreamed i didn't make to the binyag of my first inaanak beacuse their house caught fire. (i almost didn't make it. i was too beaten with a hang-over my mother had to feed me instant noodles while i convince her that i am not a drug addict)
everytime i'm having a big day. like a coming birthday. or a job interview. i always dream i would never make it. i never had any bad dreams before the reunion concert. i didn't gave my self a chance to sleep before i met with kat and xandee on the way to the Fort. it was 9am when i left pangasinan for manila aug 29. i only had 5 hours of sleep the night before because my mother and i had a lot to cacth up with. (madame siyang sermon) i arrived at cubao at around 3pm.(akalain m) i jumped off the bus carrying a plastic of tupig the bus conductor on my ride to boni thought it was daing. lintek n.manung naman eh.mamamasahe naman ako eh. to top it all off, wala p kong tiket.AMFtlga
i had to go to a natl bukstor for the ticket. siempre, la n naman akong pera. what the hell. this is the concert.THIS IS THE REUNION CONCERT. everyone has been dreaming of this.went home. forgot to take a bath.had to eat. had a fight with kat for a while. had to think if i had to take a taxi on the way to the fort. have no money so i decided i'd had to have peace with kat. so there.she and xandee had to sermon me for arriving late at sm makati and for smoking while waiting for a taxi. yaan m na. lage naman eh..2m n lang ung katuloy kc gutom n k
i can't blame madam auring. it was never her fault. her marrying any loser forty years younger than her ass doesn't have anything to do with what has happened.problem is, whenever i anticipate something really big to me like this, i always dream it wouldn't come true.
when i was in the kindergarten, i dreamt i didn't make to our class christamas party because i forgot to wear knee socks and i had to go to school barefoot.
when i was in the first grade i dreamed i wasn't named the calss' first honor and my mother got so furios she spanked me so hard that i broke a spine so i didn't make it.
when i was about to graduate from my elementary class i dreamed i got beaten by some monster who chased me from a cousin's house down to our own house until i fled to our school building, and that i had arrived after the graduation ceremonies.(i did got sick with tigdas so i had to attend the gaduation with swollen cheeks, puffy red eyes and rash all over my skin. i looked so helish the district supervisor wouldn't come near me, even if i was the class valedictorian)
i dreamet i didn't make it to my first prom because the principal sudenly announced from a speaker on the schhol quadrangle that only skinny girls with dates are allowed to arrend the prom-forget about dating your fat cousin.
i dreamed about not being alowed to graduate in college because of pending libel suites and that my father was kicking me out of the house for not letting the dog in.(we almost did get sued with a libel case when i was working for the school paper, we just got lucky our professor was there to save our asses.the dog who was in my dreams was killed by my party uncles.pinulutan na)
i dreamed of flunking my first job interview.(there was no interview when i got my first job. they were desperate for a teacher.they had no choice)
i dreamed i didn't make to the binyag of my first inaanak beacuse their house caught fire. (i almost didn't make it. i was too beaten with a hang-over my mother had to feed me instant noodles while i convince her that i am not a drug addict)
everytime i'm having a big day. like a coming birthday. or a job interview. i always dream i would never make it. i never had any bad dreams before the reunion concert. i didn't gave my self a chance to sleep before i met with kat and xandee on the way to the Fort. it was 9am when i left pangasinan for manila aug 29. i only had 5 hours of sleep the night before because my mother and i had a lot to cacth up with. (madame siyang sermon) i arrived at cubao at around 3pm.(akalain m) i jumped off the bus carrying a plastic of tupig the bus conductor on my ride to boni thought it was daing. lintek n.manung naman eh.mamamasahe naman ako eh. to top it all off, wala p kong tiket.AMFtlga
i had to go to a natl bukstor for the ticket. siempre, la n naman akong pera. what the hell. this is the concert.THIS IS THE REUNION CONCERT. everyone has been dreaming of this.went home. forgot to take a bath.had to eat. had a fight with kat for a while. had to think if i had to take a taxi on the way to the fort. have no money so i decided i'd had to have peace with kat. so there.she and xandee had to sermon me for arriving late at sm makati and for smoking while waiting for a taxi. yaan m na. lage naman eh..2m n lang ung katuloy kc gutom n k
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
chicken feeds and fertilizers part ii
so there. it is this part where i wanna a hum a few scraps of korn's "down with the sickness" or something from pod's "sleeping awake". just to feel the drama you know. or maybe i got too drugged with too much bart simpson philosophy that i couldn't even get myself to hold a grunge.sucks. taena naman
kat was right all along.henyo ka tlaga.the problem is, i was making it all too complicated until i got too confused with the flaws of my alibis and i started forgetting all the scraps of humor i had put in the first place.not the wrong person kat.not the poor thingy's fault.don't put all the blame sa kawawang nilalang na ito.nasagasaan lng.imagine a cat ran over by a ten wheeler truck in the middle of the street on a broad daylight. brains and guts in all the wrong places. blood and fur and nails scattered all over. gee, i wish the poor thingy's pride is not as shattered as this.
i just wish it was never this easy. eh ganun eh. dpat ba kong makonsyensya?
ngiiii
kat was right all along.henyo ka tlaga.the problem is, i was making it all too complicated until i got too confused with the flaws of my alibis and i started forgetting all the scraps of humor i had put in the first place.not the wrong person kat.not the poor thingy's fault.don't put all the blame sa kawawang nilalang na ito.nasagasaan lng.imagine a cat ran over by a ten wheeler truck in the middle of the street on a broad daylight. brains and guts in all the wrong places. blood and fur and nails scattered all over. gee, i wish the poor thingy's pride is not as shattered as this.
i just wish it was never this easy. eh ganun eh. dpat ba kong makonsyensya?
ngiiii
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
chicken feeds and fertilizers
and then i realized it could come to this conclusion. nothing would have hit me harder than the fact that we play it too hard sometimes that when we come to get what the punchline is, having stitches on the side while laughing like a stoned hyena could really make us sick. man, it almost made me throw up.
and talk about hallucinations, it just hit me so hard than when i realized how severe my cerebral damaged brain was thinking all along, i had to puke out to my senses to finally understand how sickeningly bad the joke was.not that it would appeal to a prankster'sind of sin, but it was ridiculos. f_ck. i couldn't even spell it right. probably because the word stinks too much of understatement.
well i thought it would have been hard to admit it was wrong. and i probably woud have even fantasized that my nerves could never had endured the guilt.hell, i even ASSumed i would have been too guilty.
we're good. i thought it would have been better if i explained it to you. or maybe asking for your forgiveness may have worsened the lie. maybe it IS better that i let you think that way.anyway, we're square.
and talk about hallucinations, it just hit me so hard than when i realized how severe my cerebral damaged brain was thinking all along, i had to puke out to my senses to finally understand how sickeningly bad the joke was.not that it would appeal to a prankster'sind of sin, but it was ridiculos. f_ck. i couldn't even spell it right. probably because the word stinks too much of understatement.
well i thought it would have been hard to admit it was wrong. and i probably woud have even fantasized that my nerves could never had endured the guilt.hell, i even ASSumed i would have been too guilty.
we're good. i thought it would have been better if i explained it to you. or maybe asking for your forgiveness may have worsened the lie. maybe it IS better that i let you think that way.anyway, we're square.
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
earth calling rye
Earth to Bella,
You think you've got it all figured in,
Earth to Bella,
Everything you know is wrong. Well, almost
Earth to Bella,
I've seen when you are not listening
I bear the burden
Of being the voice that lets you know
We all grow old,
And before you swim you gotta be ok to sink.
Earth to Bella,
The world can be an unfriendly place.
SO hold your head up
And do your best to save some face.
It's not so hard...
Just undo yourself and see a
Second sun ascend.
I'm ok to sink
ok to sink
Im ok to sink
ok to sink.
-incubus
earth2bella part I
You think you've got it all figured in,
Earth to Bella,
Everything you know is wrong. Well, almost
Earth to Bella,
I've seen when you are not listening
I bear the burden
Of being the voice that lets you know
We all grow old,
And before you swim you gotta be ok to sink.
Earth to Bella,
The world can be an unfriendly place.
SO hold your head up
And do your best to save some face.
It's not so hard...
Just undo yourself and see a
Second sun ascend.
I'm ok to sink
ok to sink
Im ok to sink
ok to sink.
-incubus
earth2bella part I
Saturday, August 23, 2008
ikw pah galet
cge.kta tau mamya.nauumay n k sau kala m.ndi m to makakalimutan mamya
waha waha wahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
waha waha wahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
Saturday, August 16, 2008
ludacris
i am growing old. i could feel it on my veins. on my itches. and all other major body parts i constantly worry about getting some mad desease i could die of anytime soon.
i am considering about getting a major operation. maybe i could have my lungs repaired. i probably have to get a new heart. a new set of teeth perhaps. major a fresh voice box could help me. nerves-hell. i have a lot of them. and they had been constantly pestering me.brains?maybe i need to reconsider that part. i am not saying that i have lots of it. only got one. but it helps me a bit. sometimes.
i am so so old. i couldn't hear a thing sometimes. i always tend to be lost on a fog of hazy recollection of some shattered thoughts i thought i nhave buried in the dead lweaves on the autumn years of my depression. but the7y keep coming back. they always override my senses just when i need to call mysel back to the present. major senelity signs.
sometimes i feel like spitting blood on ther ground. i often think my enzymes are colliding and my intestines are crashing ...my stomach is burning so bad you'd probaly see a whole on my body whenevr i pass by.
i coud walk. i could still walk. maybe i should. i'm dragging..have ot figure out..too hazy...
badtrip
bayagan kaya kta.sna malaglag lahat ng ngipin m.matanggal sana eyeballs m!!!!sna habulin ka ng lahat ng asdo sa kalye ng maynila.sana masagasaan ka ng samung trren.sna mahit n run ka ng sampung ulet.
i hate uuuuuu.
i hate u ng matinde....
kaninis ka.
sna mapasubsob ka sa lubak.sna kumain ka ng tae.hay naku.sna mapunt6a tihod m s ngalangal m!!!!
i hate uuuuuu.
i hate u ng matinde....
kaninis ka.
sna mapasubsob ka sa lubak.sna kumain ka ng tae.hay naku.sna mapunt6a tihod m s ngalangal m!!!!
Thursday, August 14, 2008
soriiiiii
calmer?wiser?not sure.
i know this is not the real deal.
that's why i'm taking it easy.
i don't know if i shud yield. let go. or should i be the one to redirect.
i'm not sure about anything.
oh crap.
i think i'm doing it one step at a time.
is that you jordin????fuck
what the hell.it's the best i can do at the moment.
i know this is not the real deal.
that's why i'm taking it easy.
i don't know if i shud yield. let go. or should i be the one to redirect.
i'm not sure about anything.
oh crap.
i think i'm doing it one step at a time.
is that you jordin????fuck
what the hell.it's the best i can do at the moment.
Monday, August 11, 2008
Thursday, August 7, 2008
there never was a right time for curtains and blinds
i am hating myself again.
what happened last night happened.we never really planned to get there.did we?were you guessing this is bound to come?or maybe you were thinking about it right then when i called you on the phone.
this is such a bad start.
so you never imagined we could be doing this.give me that crap again.you were saying that we never could get started because it was me.hell it was me. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
i smoke.yeah.drunkass bigtime.yeah.
why do we have to cover up ourselves?what are we hiding from?what are we running away from?what are you scared of?
what happened last night happened.we never really planned to get there.did we?were you guessing this is bound to come?or maybe you were thinking about it right then when i called you on the phone.
this is such a bad start.
so you never imagined we could be doing this.give me that crap again.you were saying that we never could get started because it was me.hell it was me. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
i smoke.yeah.drunkass bigtime.yeah.
why do we have to cover up ourselves?what are we hiding from?what are we running away from?what are you scared of?
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
1:53 am
i have nowhere to go. going back to bed is the last thing i wanted to do at this time.funny. you know. sleep has this thing on me. i always prided myself of the uncanny talent to sleep during those times when i shouldn't. i hated my bed this time.
i never really planned of going back to the apartment. sure, i always hated going to work. logging-in always means an eight hour hell for me. i'd rather go thru the hell of taking calls this time than staying at home. home always meant a refuge to me. a sanctuary form the menace of my nagging thoughts. but i can't go home this time. not this time
i never really planned of going back to the apartment. sure, i always hated going to work. logging-in always means an eight hour hell for me. i'd rather go thru the hell of taking calls this time than staying at home. home always meant a refuge to me. a sanctuary form the menace of my nagging thoughts. but i can't go home this time. not this time
Monday, August 4, 2008
ang lihim ni antonio-isang masarap na pagtuklas
if "ang pagdadalaga ni maximo oliveros" indulges us to the harsh realities of living in the slums,yet its sweet melancholy for falling in love brings us to our senses of living in the age that desperately fights a battle against tersely concocted meg ryan-tom hanks,drew barrymore-adam sandler-slightly inane happy endings, "ang lihim ni antonio" is something else.
in an age where "macho" is the thing,and badings are viewed as wreckages to the machismo of growing up, antonio(Kenji Garcia) comes into terms with his sexuality when an inuman session during a caroling lead to a sexual intrusion between him and his bud, nathan. the early part of the movie shows the latter denying having contact with gays thus giving the viewer a hint of his sexual preference. the two never got along after, while mike(jhiro manio), remained antonio's bestfriend.
jhiro manio's innocent curisoty over manhood and sexual preference cleverly, yet intellegently showed during the buds conversation at a scene shot in marikina river banks. lines such as "...eh sinong lalake? sinong tsumupa...? ngresearch pla k jn..ung ibang bakla dw>>>//while antonio never really denied, nor confirmed what happened during that night, he is starting to be troubled.
things doesnt look that good back home too.viewers never really get to see tha dad whom her mom(Shamaine Buencamino-rememeber carmen and bert? sia un.lupet pla nia) keeps on calling thru a celphone.apparently, the head of the family is abroad, and can't and will never be home for reasons viewers can only guess.
although the scenes' surfaces remain calm and collected, one can sense a brewing catastrophe when antonio's uncle jonbert(Josh Ivan Morales)came for a visit. the guy becomes the boy's obsession. antonio keeps his gender identity a secret from the uncle, although the uncle, being a hedonist, knows how to seduce the kid.
the movie climaxed to the uncle raping antonio by forcing him to do annal sex. antonio's mom arrived to he son's screams of pain thus starting the wave of chaos.in her rage, terre stabbed him with a kitchen knife.
terre never really got back to herself after the incident. to cover-up for the crime, antonio told authorities that he had killed his uncle. now that killed me.
the movie is more than just a flick about coming of age and gender analysis. sacrifice could defy the bounds of gender. no one could really speak who is innocent, and who is guilty. sometimes, the macho thing are not done by the macho guy.
in an age where "macho" is the thing,and badings are viewed as wreckages to the machismo of growing up, antonio(Kenji Garcia) comes into terms with his sexuality when an inuman session during a caroling lead to a sexual intrusion between him and his bud, nathan. the early part of the movie shows the latter denying having contact with gays thus giving the viewer a hint of his sexual preference. the two never got along after, while mike(jhiro manio), remained antonio's bestfriend.
jhiro manio's innocent curisoty over manhood and sexual preference cleverly, yet intellegently showed during the buds conversation at a scene shot in marikina river banks. lines such as "...eh sinong lalake? sinong tsumupa...? ngresearch pla k jn..ung ibang bakla dw>>>//while antonio never really denied, nor confirmed what happened during that night, he is starting to be troubled.
things doesnt look that good back home too.viewers never really get to see tha dad whom her mom(Shamaine Buencamino-rememeber carmen and bert? sia un.lupet pla nia) keeps on calling thru a celphone.apparently, the head of the family is abroad, and can't and will never be home for reasons viewers can only guess.
although the scenes' surfaces remain calm and collected, one can sense a brewing catastrophe when antonio's uncle jonbert(Josh Ivan Morales)came for a visit. the guy becomes the boy's obsession. antonio keeps his gender identity a secret from the uncle, although the uncle, being a hedonist, knows how to seduce the kid.
the movie climaxed to the uncle raping antonio by forcing him to do annal sex. antonio's mom arrived to he son's screams of pain thus starting the wave of chaos.in her rage, terre stabbed him with a kitchen knife.
terre never really got back to herself after the incident. to cover-up for the crime, antonio told authorities that he had killed his uncle. now that killed me.
the movie is more than just a flick about coming of age and gender analysis. sacrifice could defy the bounds of gender. no one could really speak who is innocent, and who is guilty. sometimes, the macho thing are not done by the macho guy.
Sunday, August 3, 2008
mga umaga pgkatapos.....
sobrang init.nauuhaw n ko kaso mukhang wla ding yelo.nahihilo ako.nagugutom.nasusuka.ang mga oras n ito ay sobrang nakakasira ng ulo.sa tuwing babalikan ko ang mga nangyare kagabe ay natatawa ko.nanlalagkit ako.(huy, ung tinext k kagabe, ndi totoo un.hekhek.nalibugan ka noh???wahahahaha)laseng lang ako nun
Friday, August 1, 2008
FAKE PLASTIC TREES
Her green plastic watering can
For her fake Chinese rubber plant
In the fake plastic earth
That she bought from a rubber man
In a town full of rubber plans
To get rid of itself
It wears her out, it wears her out
It wears her out, it wears her out
She lives with a broken man
A cracked polystyrene man
Who just crumbles and burns
He used to do surgery
For girls in the eighties
But gravity always wins
It wears him out, it wears him out
It wears him out, it wears him out
She looks like the real thing
She tastes like the real thing
My fake plastic love
But I can't help the feeling
I could blow through the ceiling
If I just turn and run
It wears me out, it wears me out
It wears me out, it wears me out
If I could be who you wanted
If I could be who you wanted
all the time
All the time...All the time...
-RADIOHEAD
For her fake Chinese rubber plant
In the fake plastic earth
That she bought from a rubber man
In a town full of rubber plans
To get rid of itself
It wears her out, it wears her out
It wears her out, it wears her out
She lives with a broken man
A cracked polystyrene man
Who just crumbles and burns
He used to do surgery
For girls in the eighties
But gravity always wins
It wears him out, it wears him out
It wears him out, it wears him out
She looks like the real thing
She tastes like the real thing
My fake plastic love
But I can't help the feeling
I could blow through the ceiling
If I just turn and run
It wears me out, it wears me out
It wears me out, it wears me out
If I could be who you wanted
If I could be who you wanted
all the time
All the time...All the time...
-RADIOHEAD
Puuuuuuuuuttttttiikkk nah
AKO PLA ULULAN.HEHE.CNSYA N.KW P TINAMAAN NG SAPAK K OF OL PIPOL. MGKAGAYUNMAN MAN, BI KA P DN SA BUHAY K.
NEVER KONG INISIP N MAGAGAWA K ANG BAGAY N UN. THANKS FOR BRINGING OUT THE TADO IN ME.
"There is always some madness in love. But there is also always some reason in madness."
--Friedrich Nietzsche (1844 - 1900), "On Reading and Writing"
NEVER KONG INISIP N MAGAGAWA K ANG BAGAY N UN. THANKS FOR BRINGING OUT THE TADO IN ME.
"There is always some madness in love. But there is also always some reason in madness."
--Friedrich Nietzsche (1844 - 1900), "On Reading and Writing"
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
ULULAN KA
still and cold.
sick.
frustrated
tired.
key words-
just can't take it
another shot
still not there.
not getting any
can't sleep
on a rut
dumped
just wanna be stoned
you happy now?
you could go on and continue doing it
we won't get any
would never get there
hate you
sick.
frustrated
tired.
key words-
just can't take it
another shot
still not there.
not getting any
can't sleep
on a rut
dumped
just wanna be stoned
you happy now?
you could go on and continue doing it
we won't get any
would never get there
hate you
LATA
lata
lata ng sardinas
lata ng gatas
lata preserved na patatas
lata
lata ng sup
lata ng kape(pg sosyal)
lata ng coke
lata ng san mig
lata
lat ng pwedeng mung isipin
puewedeng ilatalat pwede mung ilata
ndi pwedeng wlang laman ang lata
lata
latang lata n k
tama ng pag-iisip
wala naman akong laman
kakalog-kalog lng
gusto kong mayupi na lang
itapon
baka sakaling
pwede pa kong pakinabangan
Sunday, July 27, 2008
and they sang my %$#@../?? life
july 26. it was 2pm and my temples we're throbbing and my body feels like a whole truckload of rubble has been dumped into it.early outs are always a shit. you go home and sleep. or it is how it is supposed to be. but alcohol always gets in your way. talk about clean living.
getting out of bed is the last thing i would have done right that minute. then it hit me. tonight is the night. and they are coming to araneta.tangnangmadapakenshet. la pa kong tiket. pu___ tlga
with all the scraps of will i could gather, i forced my self to stand up and collect my sanity. i have to get hold of one of those tickets. or i'll be damned.
i had to call ticketnet because i'm not sure if tickets are still available. panic is starting to creep in to my system. i remember march of this year when incubus came to manila. it was a week away from the event but ticketnet had ran out of reservations. suddenly, old fears are coming back. my fingers are still trembling when i dialled ticketnet's number. my temples we're already too noisy they were drumming at my eardrums while i listen to the automated voice saying something about gateway's coming events. man. just give me a live rep, wil ya
then i suddenly remember i don't know where the hell in sm ticketnet is. i had to call jel. luckily, the jerk showed up with a couple of friends on a car stolen from his mother's garage.suddenly, getting that ticket seemed too easy.but there's another problem.kat can't go because it's not her off. jel desperately wanted to go but he's broke. my credit card's remaining balance is a wopping 500 and some change. i figured i wud stil have like 500 left on my atm after paying for the ticket(upper box, first come, fist served 995php tngna), but won't feed me for a week. it's seven days before payday. i can't even care if i starve.
we went back to jel's apartment after too much bickering.i insisted that he drive me to araneta because i have no one to watch the concert with. the jerk snapped back, going on the drama of me forgetting his birthday and me refusing to pay for his ticket and all that crap. i desperately wanted to break a monkey's neck that day. we agreed that he drive me to araneta on the deal that i take care of the empi next time.that took care of it
i went back home, watch tv for about half an hour and contemplated about getting a bath. it was 4.30 pm. it's 3 and a half hours away from the event, but my nerves are eating me. i took a bath.went down at around 5 and called jel. i can tell an inuman asession is going on but he agreed to pick me up right away.he had to drive me to araneta before he gets his ass drunk bigtime.
we arrive at the venue at around. the dome would not let anyone thru until 6 but had started admitting people upstairs(poor upper box fans that is). i had to enter the yellow gate and fall in queue. a handful of people are already waiting to be admitted.it suddenly dawned to me that everybody else has someone to talk and i'm the only one pretending to be busy with a copy of lord of the flies.(i had to bring the golding book. it's where i had kept the ticket because i'm too worried it would get crumpled on my purse. i also had to peel my eyes off from the cd they were selling on the entrance. double tray cd with 20 tacks on it, killer cuts form previous albums like 'come back down' and 'you and me' extended wedding version included. man, starving yourself is one thing. not having even a cent for stick of yo is another.
we were finally admitted at around 6pm. we scrambled thru the stairs for the upper box section. i found a spot not exactly direct from the stage but where i could still get a good glimpse at them by peering thru the huge tv(or whatever you call it) located on the right side of the section from where i'm at. i had to endure a couple of hours wait but i was enjoying my solitude anyway. not until this nyotic colegiala and her lousy boyfriend sat by my left. the duh-y couple on my right side is not bothering me anyway. i figured i could behave myself for another hour.
i was listening to incubus' 'earth to bela' for like the nth time. it's almost seven. but there were only about ten people on the vip section. the lower box were barely even filled and the concert ushers were acting like they just don't know what to do with themselves. i was starting to get fears of fans being sent home because they were calling it off. i felt like trashing and heaving. well, maybe it's too early to have panic attacks. another hour of staring at my phone(i can't even tell anyone i'm in araneta. i forgot to load my phone. pathetic tlga) and playing endless crossfade and incubus tracks. you can't even light a smoke or you're kicked out. ageh
and then came kat alano and margaret wilson and some dj from max fm. i can't even remember the guy's name. but people got started getting agitated anyway. some sponsor's promo. some giveaways.i can't even care less. my ass is starting to get numbed form sitting for a couple of hours. and the worst part is i kept on hearing the lousy guy's pathetic hyena laugh's over the nyotic kolehiya' even lousier jokes. no shit is holier than this
until finally, they had to give the floor the house. here comes the band. god. finally..
but we had to wait for another 20 minutes.
and then the lights went out. blinding lights located at the back of where the drumset was sitting suddenly came on.it went off and an even leducrous spell of brown gray light came off the stage.then suddenly, jason wade was on the mike. i had to steel myself form screaming. i don't have to anyway. my heart leapt. and it got lodged on my throat. OH MY F_KN STONED GOD.
he was introducing a song they were about sing form their 'no name face album'. i am not hearing it. i had to detach myself form where i am presently in order to convince myself that this is really happening.well, i'm not familiar with the song so i just had to immerse my self to it. then i realize that they were actually doing an intro of the song 'spin'. we just went wild. the list inludes songs form 'no name face', 'stanley climbfall' 'who we are' and another album i can't name. i had to fix myself form being on trance when jason was bellowing lines form 'better next time'. i had to stop myself from crying when he spills out lines form 'blind'. had to steer myself from screaming while he does a chilling rendition of 'form where you are'. i almost shouted "that's my f_kn anthem' when he ceremoniously started lines form 'somebody else's song'.
i just didn't expect they would still do 'hanging by a moment'. i was thinking i would lose them my respect if they do that track. but we still went wild. we were spinning. we were out of control.
i can't tell you.
then there came their 'you and me' mais-to-the highest level cut. they had turned off the lights in the hopes of setting up the mood for the all too cheesy song lines. what the hell. i fell inlove anyway. my nerves were all on a traffick. they were all tangled and messed-up like you could never imagine. whenever people goes to our direction, we just erupt. i totally forgot i had no one with me.my lungs went out form screaming too much. it was now okey even if everybody was taking pictures and videos of them and my phone's camera is just vga so the poor thing wouldn't work at the dome's low lights.
a couple of songs more and they had to go. jason's voice was starting to squeack. nobody cared to notice. they had to do a couple of songs more, said goodbye and left. nobody reacted. then somebody started clapping and shouted-"more! more!" it started low. then it became a rumble. then it was all one clapping and one voice"we want more!" we want more!"cum on. it's like a horny crowd of college kids guffawing over a dean's promise of an easy finals. but what the hell with a capital H. we want them back!
so there. they went back. sang for the last time. said goodbye. we had to go. nobody was moving. they had to turn off the lights at the stage and turn all the lights at the dome to send the message that it was all over.
my knees were still trembling. i had to smoke my way to mc donalds.
getting out of bed is the last thing i would have done right that minute. then it hit me. tonight is the night. and they are coming to araneta.tangnangmadapakenshet. la pa kong tiket. pu___ tlga
with all the scraps of will i could gather, i forced my self to stand up and collect my sanity. i have to get hold of one of those tickets. or i'll be damned.
i had to call ticketnet because i'm not sure if tickets are still available. panic is starting to creep in to my system. i remember march of this year when incubus came to manila. it was a week away from the event but ticketnet had ran out of reservations. suddenly, old fears are coming back. my fingers are still trembling when i dialled ticketnet's number. my temples we're already too noisy they were drumming at my eardrums while i listen to the automated voice saying something about gateway's coming events. man. just give me a live rep, wil ya
then i suddenly remember i don't know where the hell in sm ticketnet is. i had to call jel. luckily, the jerk showed up with a couple of friends on a car stolen from his mother's garage.suddenly, getting that ticket seemed too easy.but there's another problem.kat can't go because it's not her off. jel desperately wanted to go but he's broke. my credit card's remaining balance is a wopping 500 and some change. i figured i wud stil have like 500 left on my atm after paying for the ticket(upper box, first come, fist served 995php tngna), but won't feed me for a week. it's seven days before payday. i can't even care if i starve.
we went back to jel's apartment after too much bickering.i insisted that he drive me to araneta because i have no one to watch the concert with. the jerk snapped back, going on the drama of me forgetting his birthday and me refusing to pay for his ticket and all that crap. i desperately wanted to break a monkey's neck that day. we agreed that he drive me to araneta on the deal that i take care of the empi next time.that took care of it
i went back home, watch tv for about half an hour and contemplated about getting a bath. it was 4.30 pm. it's 3 and a half hours away from the event, but my nerves are eating me. i took a bath.went down at around 5 and called jel. i can tell an inuman asession is going on but he agreed to pick me up right away.he had to drive me to araneta before he gets his ass drunk bigtime.
we arrive at the venue at around. the dome would not let anyone thru until 6 but had started admitting people upstairs(poor upper box fans that is). i had to enter the yellow gate and fall in queue. a handful of people are already waiting to be admitted.it suddenly dawned to me that everybody else has someone to talk and i'm the only one pretending to be busy with a copy of lord of the flies.(i had to bring the golding book. it's where i had kept the ticket because i'm too worried it would get crumpled on my purse. i also had to peel my eyes off from the cd they were selling on the entrance. double tray cd with 20 tacks on it, killer cuts form previous albums like 'come back down' and 'you and me' extended wedding version included. man, starving yourself is one thing. not having even a cent for stick of yo is another.
we were finally admitted at around 6pm. we scrambled thru the stairs for the upper box section. i found a spot not exactly direct from the stage but where i could still get a good glimpse at them by peering thru the huge tv(or whatever you call it) located on the right side of the section from where i'm at. i had to endure a couple of hours wait but i was enjoying my solitude anyway. not until this nyotic colegiala and her lousy boyfriend sat by my left. the duh-y couple on my right side is not bothering me anyway. i figured i could behave myself for another hour.
i was listening to incubus' 'earth to bela' for like the nth time. it's almost seven. but there were only about ten people on the vip section. the lower box were barely even filled and the concert ushers were acting like they just don't know what to do with themselves. i was starting to get fears of fans being sent home because they were calling it off. i felt like trashing and heaving. well, maybe it's too early to have panic attacks. another hour of staring at my phone(i can't even tell anyone i'm in araneta. i forgot to load my phone. pathetic tlga) and playing endless crossfade and incubus tracks. you can't even light a smoke or you're kicked out. ageh
and then came kat alano and margaret wilson and some dj from max fm. i can't even remember the guy's name. but people got started getting agitated anyway. some sponsor's promo. some giveaways.i can't even care less. my ass is starting to get numbed form sitting for a couple of hours. and the worst part is i kept on hearing the lousy guy's pathetic hyena laugh's over the nyotic kolehiya' even lousier jokes. no shit is holier than this
until finally, they had to give the floor the house. here comes the band. god. finally..
but we had to wait for another 20 minutes.
and then the lights went out. blinding lights located at the back of where the drumset was sitting suddenly came on.it went off and an even leducrous spell of brown gray light came off the stage.then suddenly, jason wade was on the mike. i had to steel myself form screaming. i don't have to anyway. my heart leapt. and it got lodged on my throat. OH MY F_KN STONED GOD.
he was introducing a song they were about sing form their 'no name face album'. i am not hearing it. i had to detach myself form where i am presently in order to convince myself that this is really happening.well, i'm not familiar with the song so i just had to immerse my self to it. then i realize that they were actually doing an intro of the song 'spin'. we just went wild. the list inludes songs form 'no name face', 'stanley climbfall' 'who we are' and another album i can't name. i had to fix myself form being on trance when jason was bellowing lines form 'better next time'. i had to stop myself from crying when he spills out lines form 'blind'. had to steer myself from screaming while he does a chilling rendition of 'form where you are'. i almost shouted "that's my f_kn anthem' when he ceremoniously started lines form 'somebody else's song'.
i just didn't expect they would still do 'hanging by a moment'. i was thinking i would lose them my respect if they do that track. but we still went wild. we were spinning. we were out of control.
i can't tell you.
then there came their 'you and me' mais-to-the highest level cut. they had turned off the lights in the hopes of setting up the mood for the all too cheesy song lines. what the hell. i fell inlove anyway. my nerves were all on a traffick. they were all tangled and messed-up like you could never imagine. whenever people goes to our direction, we just erupt. i totally forgot i had no one with me.my lungs went out form screaming too much. it was now okey even if everybody was taking pictures and videos of them and my phone's camera is just vga so the poor thing wouldn't work at the dome's low lights.
a couple of songs more and they had to go. jason's voice was starting to squeack. nobody cared to notice. they had to do a couple of songs more, said goodbye and left. nobody reacted. then somebody started clapping and shouted-"more! more!" it started low. then it became a rumble. then it was all one clapping and one voice"we want more!" we want more!"cum on. it's like a horny crowd of college kids guffawing over a dean's promise of an easy finals. but what the hell with a capital H. we want them back!
so there. they went back. sang for the last time. said goodbye. we had to go. nobody was moving. they had to turn off the lights at the stage and turn all the lights at the dome to send the message that it was all over.
my knees were still trembling. i had to smoke my way to mc donalds.
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
of glassy eyed spies and stoned gods
.JPG)
i was sitting alone smoking in our condo's fire exit, watching flies hover my legs. there were a couple of them, feasting over a drop of a bottled energy drink i brought with me. they would nod over thier feast, pause for a while and would raise their heads into the heavens.were they looking at the sky too? imagine a handful of painted faced creatures who suddenly found their pot of manna. i felt like i was watching a ceremony. some kind of a devotion for some unknown force who has paved their way to this discovery. there was nothing but gray skies and unpromising buildings staring back at me whenever i stare at this window anyway. but somehow i always find myself being pulled by some force i never could name when i feel bored, depressed, or whatever feeling nags me at any moment.
there's always something about windows. it brings back childhood feelings of those rainy says when you had to sit beside the window and stare at raindrops falling on stones, and leaves and toys you may have left outside for rushing in the door in the vain atemps of not getting wet or your mom will kill you.
those high school days of desperately wanting to escape the four walls of the classroom when you had to sit and endure the torturing lectures in social science and physics.
or windows on emergency rooms when we wait for doctors to come out and proudly announce that mom's got a baby girl so we have to start thinking of names. bertha maybe.or angela. frida perhaps.or what the heck. she is liable to become a bisex in the future anyway.
windows in waiting outside offices whenever you wait for your name to be called when applying for a job.
windows in ticket booths and pawnshops.
windows in buses on the way home.
the window in our bedroom.
from a window,we wait. and watch what happens next. it's like a movie playing on its own pace. sometimes you are part of the scene. sometimes you just watch from a distance.but nobody could really ever tell what happens next.
but from our window, we stay detached. we watch them from a window. i take them from my window. maybe i really just wanna stay on my window.
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
spell einstein
Main Entry: rel·a·tiv·i·ty Pronunciation: \ˌre-lə-ˈti-və-tē\ Function: noun Inflected Form(s): plural rel·a·tiv·i·ties Date: circa 1834 1 a: the quality or state of being relative b: something that is relative2: the state of being dependent for existence on or determined in nature, value, or quality by relation to something else3 a: a theory which is based on the two postulates (1) that the speed of light in a vacuum is constant and independent of the source or observer and (2) that the mathematical forms of the laws of physics are invariant in all inertial systems and which leads to the assertion of the equivalence of mass and energy and of change in mass, dimension, and time with increased velocity —called also special relativity, special theory of relativity b: an extension of the theory to include gravitation and related acceleration phenomena —called also general relativity, general theory of relativity4: relativism 1b
Sunday, July 20, 2008
fbyuvgtlerifxac'weo;asjkdf
this is over my head
but underneath my feet
cause by tomorrow morning
I'll have this thing beat
and everything will be back
to the way that it was
I wish that it was just that easy
-lyrics from the lifehouse' song 'somewhere in between'
you never can run away from the nagging feeling that things will never be the way were, if you had done something to change it. sure, you'll never know what happens next unless you make a move.until you realize that some moves may not have been the best moves at all, and that some things are better left the way they were...
but underneath my feet
cause by tomorrow morning
I'll have this thing beat
and everything will be back
to the way that it was
I wish that it was just that easy
-lyrics from the lifehouse' song 'somewhere in between'
you never can run away from the nagging feeling that things will never be the way were, if you had done something to change it. sure, you'll never know what happens next unless you make a move.until you realize that some moves may not have been the best moves at all, and that some things are better left the way they were...
last page
whenever i wake up on evenings, coffee never seemed too bitter than it ever was. i used to look at you from afar.you were always too distant. i know i could always bump into you somehow. wether at the elevator, on yosi places, or wherever fate may have allowed to give me the opportunity to chance upon you. i used to tell myself i hate you too much that's why you keep on running on my mind, in the back of my fears, in the deepnes of unwavering confusions, and in the cussions of my unconfirmed denials.
maybe some quack was correct in saying that hate will never be generated if there was not a strong feeling for someone. i used to deny the presence of this feeling. i never wanted this feeling to be there. never would i have wished it to happen in the first place.nobody wants to be tormented by the realization that you coud never have the person you really wanted because it is wrong, and never , ever will it be accepted.
i don't want to convince myself w/ the fairy tales already stained by convention. or rules consumated by the ideals of morals. already, i am eaten by the reality that love cannot validate the wrongness of my position.you are what you are and i am what i am.
i know am shit scared at this point. i admit. it is this part that i am saved by the craps of convention since my gender permits me to be so.but it is this very same thing that prevents me from moving an inch closer to you. i am not trying to sell you this crap. i am not expecting you to buy it anyway. you have denied me the first time. and that has hurt the most.it took me too long to spill it to you because i am fuck scared of everyhting. and you can't blame me. you're probably puking your guts out the first time i told you about it. and here i am incenerating my lungs w/ nicotine and 80% proof juices that tastes like a funeral's in-house latte.
i'm sorry. it was never you fault.
i never had wanted to put you in this, but i never wanted to be here too.
so long old friend.
thanks.
maybe some quack was correct in saying that hate will never be generated if there was not a strong feeling for someone. i used to deny the presence of this feeling. i never wanted this feeling to be there. never would i have wished it to happen in the first place.nobody wants to be tormented by the realization that you coud never have the person you really wanted because it is wrong, and never , ever will it be accepted.
i don't want to convince myself w/ the fairy tales already stained by convention. or rules consumated by the ideals of morals. already, i am eaten by the reality that love cannot validate the wrongness of my position.you are what you are and i am what i am.
i know am shit scared at this point. i admit. it is this part that i am saved by the craps of convention since my gender permits me to be so.but it is this very same thing that prevents me from moving an inch closer to you. i am not trying to sell you this crap. i am not expecting you to buy it anyway. you have denied me the first time. and that has hurt the most.it took me too long to spill it to you because i am fuck scared of everyhting. and you can't blame me. you're probably puking your guts out the first time i told you about it. and here i am incenerating my lungs w/ nicotine and 80% proof juices that tastes like a funeral's in-house latte.
i'm sorry. it was never you fault.
i never had wanted to put you in this, but i never wanted to be here too.
so long old friend.
thanks.
pms
some places
some spaces
some era in time you have collected
some things you have not considred
something to laugh abt
somethig to write abt
some wash down in length
others in gray colors of paint
some left neglected
at distress, some changes unknown
chipped in the memories of universal hallucinations
or in some hallways of spinning realizations
blurry visions-flooding tears of
accusations
dropped down adversaries;
inhibitions
you have nothing to lose
and everything to look forward to
and they all come crashing down
in a dash of impulse
pure, but never were you innocent
at breath's length
there will be nothing and something, anything, left to have been done
to change what was there
there never was any
a moment's decision (if ever there was anything to have decided on)
a few remnants of coincidental paradise
and some mornings of dripping malice
and jaded misdemeanors
minor accomplices and all too aggravated syloligies
miracles of assumption-hyprocite melancholies
for some age old dilemma of archtypes and debates
a tabloid's cheap break
an old wife's tale
melodies and dramas of confirmation
fairy tales of resurrection
sunken treasures of redemption
last days of repentance-
suicidal notes
write this down.
some spaces
some era in time you have collected
some things you have not considred
something to laugh abt
somethig to write abt
some wash down in length
others in gray colors of paint
some left neglected
at distress, some changes unknown
chipped in the memories of universal hallucinations
or in some hallways of spinning realizations
blurry visions-flooding tears of
accusations
dropped down adversaries;
inhibitions
you have nothing to lose
and everything to look forward to
and they all come crashing down
in a dash of impulse
pure, but never were you innocent
at breath's length
there will be nothing and something, anything, left to have been done
to change what was there
there never was any
a moment's decision (if ever there was anything to have decided on)
a few remnants of coincidental paradise
and some mornings of dripping malice
and jaded misdemeanors
minor accomplices and all too aggravated syloligies
miracles of assumption-hyprocite melancholies
for some age old dilemma of archtypes and debates
a tabloid's cheap break
an old wife's tale
melodies and dramas of confirmation
fairy tales of resurrection
sunken treasures of redemption
last days of repentance-
suicidal notes
write this down.
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