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whenever i wake up on evenings, coffee never seemed too bitter than it ever was. i used to look at you from afar.you were always too distant. i know i could always bump into you somehow. wether at the elevator, on yosi places, or wherever fate may have allowed to give me the opportunity to chance upon you. i used to tell myself i hate you too much that's why you keep on running on my mind, in the back of my fears, in the deepnes of unwavering confusions, and in the cussions of my unconfirmed denials.

maybe some quack was correct in saying that hate will never be generated if there was not a strong feeling for someone. i used to deny the presence of this feeling. i never wanted this feeling to be there. never would i have wished it to happen in the first place.nobody wants to be tormented by the realization that you coud never have the person you really wanted because it is wrong, and never , ever will it be accepted.

i don't want to convince myself w/ the fairy tales already stained by convention. or rules consumated by the ideals of morals. already, i am eaten by the reality that love cannot validate the wrongness of my position.you are what you are and i am what i am.

i know am shit scared at this point. i admit. it is this part that i am saved by the craps of convention since my gender permits me to be so.but it is this very same thing that prevents me from moving an inch closer to you. i am not trying to sell you this crap. i am not expecting you to buy it anyway. you have denied me the first time. and that has hurt the most.it took me too long to spill it to you because i am fuck scared of everyhting. and you can't blame me. you're probably puking your guts out the first time i told you about it. and here i am incenerating my lungs w/ nicotine and 80% proof juices that tastes like a funeral's in-house latte.
i'm sorry. it was never you fault.
i never had wanted to put you in this, but i never wanted to be here too.

so long old friend.

thanks.